I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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