The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
