...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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