No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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