God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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