My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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