I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
