So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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