you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
