I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
