Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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