I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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