theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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