Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
