Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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