Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
