get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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