Im at strip club and am horny
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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