Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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