worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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