I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
