Umm I'm too high to move.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
