Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
