You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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