Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
