Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
