I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
