just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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