i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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