I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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