my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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