Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
