the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
