margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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