The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just high enough for therapy.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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