I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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