I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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