he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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