So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
