Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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