i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
