The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
