I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
