Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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