Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
