I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just high enough for therapy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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