Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think my moral compass just broke
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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