i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
