i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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