I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
